Hoenn roller coaster ride?

Hunting the Suicune; this is a new phrase in the land of its birth, one coined by recent developments, a recent person who is becoming legend. To hunt the Suicune is to chase your dreams; to quest after a hopeless cause; to seek and never give up, though you never glimpse your quarry, but to carry on seeking from pure orneriness; to go to see the elephant, travelling because you’re sick to the stomach of staying in the same place; to try and go out beyond the edges of things. “Now, bring me that horizon.”

I’m waiting on the delivery of the Hoenn games, fingers twitch-itch-itching to press the little buttons on the little controller and begin to kythe. Only that’s a lie; I’m kything already, but bits and pieces, guesswork and stepping stones. When the package comes in the post and the cart’s in the bottom slot of my little red spaceship, that’s when I’ll let myself fall into the river, be carried by the currents out to sea. When the kything becomes the air you breathe and the ground you walk on. (Earth, sea and air; Hoenn again there, the slow strong amoral forces that birthed the world where life can be.)

I don’t know what I’ll kythe from Hoenn, though I have guesses.

(And there’s an irony in all this; I walked those paths before and didn’t feel a thing, too caught up in annoyance at new game mechanics and the absence of old favourite Pokémon. I didn’t care for the third gen ‘dex; couldn’t see the beauty in the Hoenn beasts. Too narrow. Always too narrow. It’s always that way with me, maybe with everyone, like Jack pointed out in The Magician’s Nephew; try to be stupider than you are and you’ll succeed, try to be deaf and blind and you’ll succeed. Say No, not this, I do not accept this-and it won’t go away-it never does-but it’ll go from you. Or never show itself at all. It’s possible to go through the world with eyes closed, sleepwalking, and everybody does it at some stage, in some places.)

My guesses, my snippets, my dreams; earthquakes, volcanoes and tidal waves, hurricane and typhoon, twister coming-

-it's about the stars
the way they burn, the way they kill
it’s about the black acid ocean
the way the planet’s heart is red-hot iron
gravity that crushes
radioactivity
so many different ways to die-

so many different things we need
because we need all of them to be
or we cannot be.

the world is destruction
fury without malice.

all order is based on chaos.

Glory to Groudon. Glory to Kyogre.

...

The people of Hoenn-from them I kythe human warmth. Schoolteachers in sensible shoes. Old men who like to laugh. Lovers billing and cooing. An exuberant twychild. Stories, human stories, familiar as paving stones and sweet as Cadbury’s Dairy Milk.

Maybe that’s paradox, but to me that just looks like life.

I’ve been listening to the Lilo and Stitch soundtrack lately; the gorgeous sounds of Mark Keali’i Ho’omalu and the Kamehameha Schools Children’s Chorus have become the Hoenn Sound, for me. Hoenn roller coaster ride? Maybe so. It crossed my mind just now that Hawaii is volcanic. Lava and ocean water. Hoenn has Mount Pyre; I’ll have to wait for the playthrough, as I really can’t remember the geography, but perhaps there’ll be some similarities of appearance at least?

And I’m pretty sure that Wallace knows how to surf, as well as Surf. Hehe.

Does your brain ever do this to you?

Me: *playing Pokemon innocently*
My Brain: Sacredshipping.
Me: what?
Brain: Eusine and Morty are TOTALLY getting it on. Sacredshipping.
Me: That's beside the point. Go away, I'm busy with the Bug Catching Contest.
Brain: Sacredshipping.
Me: Neither of them are my type.
Brain: You're not the one doing them, so you're not required to think so. Sacredshipping. Write it.
Me: Pokemon isn't my fandom and never has been. Well, except for the anime when I was, like, prepubescent.
Brain: Gotta start somewhere. You already did those Gym Leader drabbles. How about doing some fanart too?
Me: I can't draw.
Brain: Stick figures.
Me: And I haven't got any paper.
Brain: Go buy some.
Me: I don't know where to find an art shop.
Brain: Try Google.
Me: I'm meant to be saving money, dammit.
Brain: Cheapskate.
Me: Will you please go away now?
Brain: Sacredshipping. WRITE IT.
Me: *kills a lot of innocent Caterpies*
Brain: Sacredshippingsacredshippingsacredshippingsacredshippingsacredshipping-
Me: DAMN YOU.*gives up and writes it*

Judy

Aquila says: It could be worse. There was this one game I got-also Square-where I never actually figured out how to work the battle system at all. Despite hours of effort and reading the guide pamphlet thing. In the end I said bollocks and returned it to the store.
Ash says: Unlimited Saga?
Aquila says: That's the one. I'd forgotten the name till you said it.
Ash says: I had the same problem.
Ash says: Shame, cuz it looked good.
Aquila says: My theory is it's another xenophobic world. The characters are like, 'WE DO NOT WANT PEOPLE LOOKING AT US. GO AWAY.' So they are Obstructive, and Complicate Simple Matters in a successful bid to make people storm off in frustration.
Ash says: Or maybe they were dying for their story to be told, and the developers fucked up, and they're sitting around waiting for visitors and wondering "why doesn't anyone like us?"
Aquila says: I like your version better. That little witch girl seemed sweet, come to think.
Ash says: Yeah.

Judy walks the labyrinth. Her location is not marked on any map.

The labyrinth is an egg that she failed to hatch from. The labyrinth is the womb of a dead mother. The labyrinth is a school with no pupils but her, and it is the endless silvery dimensions behind the mirror.

Grandfather was trapped in a mirror, Judy thinks. I have to save him. But grandfather is not here.

Maybe if she walks the labyrinth long enough, she will find him. Maybe if she walks without stopping, checks every door and passage, she will reach the way out.

She is very tired, and her little hands are cold.

Judy walks the labyrinth. Her companions are three familiars that patter behind her in the dust. They do not speak, and they are cold to the touch. As she is cold.

She has a memory that this is not what she was promised. Things have not always been like this. Once she was warm, and sheltered, and a mother-voice whispered to her of games, and adventures, and other children all in sunlight. It told her stories that made her laugh, and dance in anticipation. They were not fantasies. They were truths. Prophecies.

Prophecy is dead now. Stillborn. Miscarried.

Her existence now is not Life. Neither is it Truth.

Judy walks the labyrinth. Sometimes she sobs, but tears never fall. She thinks that tears might make her feel better. They would be hot, she thinks; salty and hot and wet. She might be warm, if she could cry.

Maybe tears would wipe clean the dust that clings to her, her hair, her clothes. She is covered in grey. She cannot remember the colour of her skin. She has a few vague ideas about it; are people brown, or pink, or blue? And what did colours look like, anyway?

Purple was nice, she thinks. She thinks she remembers wanting to be purple.

Judy walks the labyrinth. Sometimes she remembers things. She remembers a breaking, a hot, bright world glimpsed for a few, precious seconds, and then, the labyrinth again, cooling slowly.

She is a genius, she thinks. Is that right, that word ‘genius’? She’s quite sure that she is one, as much as she is sure of anything. But she can’t quite remember what a genius is.

Perhaps ‘genius’ means grey, and cold, and solitary. Perhaps ‘genius’ means dust that falls into her mouth and nose, unfocused vision, and slow, muzzy mind.

She isn’t sure that she likes being a genius, but she has got to be something. She clutches to the word, because it describes herself, and she does not have many words that describe herself. If she cannot describe herself to her, then maybe she does not exist. And she does not have many words at all.

She was going to have words, she thinks. Words, and numbers, and colours. They were in the promise. But the promise never came true.

And unkept promises fade.

(A/N: No, I have no fucking clue where this came from...)

the Tarot of Tellius

If I was a better artist, I would be planning to draw these. But I'm not. So I won't.

More will be added to the list as I think of them.

The Fool-Ike
The Magician-Bastian(no duh)
The High Priestess-Volke
The Empress(reversed)-Almedha
The Emperor-Sanaki
The Hierophant-?
The Lovers-Greil and Elena
The Chariot-Tormod
Strength-Rhys
The Hermit-Stefan
The Wheel of Fortune-Naesala
Justice-Reyson
The Hanged Man-Ena
Death-?
Temperance(reversed)-Nasir
The Devil-Micaiah(also no duh)
The Tower-?
The Star-Mist
The Moon-Soren
The Sun-Rolf
Judgement-Elincia
The World-?

15 books in 15 minutes...or not.

Because I can't resist a meme. Not one like this anyways.

Instructions: Don’t take too long to think about it. List 15 books you’ve read that will always stick with you — the first 15 you can recall in no more than 15 minutes. Copy the instructions into your own note, and be sure to tag the person who tagged you.

The Chronicles of Narnia

101 Dalmatians

Wee Free Men

...oh, bother.

No, that's not a book.

That's the noise of me trying to think of another book, coming up blank, and realising that for me, it's the video games that have stuck with me more than books. Though I love books too. But it's the game-stories that resonate in me.

Well, I never was one for doing things the way everyone else does. So let's do it Eagle's way.

Fifteen games in fifteen minutes, in no particular order.

Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance

Final Fantasy IX

Final Fantasy XII

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess

Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask

Fire Emblem(FE7, Blazing Sword, Rekka no Ken, etc.)

Final Fantasy VII

Final Fantasy VIII

Pokemon Blue Version

Final Fantasy(the original)

Final Fantasy XII: Revenant Wings

Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney

Phoenix Wright: Justice For All

Kingdom Hearts II

...Okay, I managed fourteen. Still, that's better than three. Welp, now for explanations.

Fire Emblem: Path of Radiance. This game I love to pieces, not only for the compelling gameplay and amazing storyline, but for one boy I met through it; one wicked, funny, troubled, wild, amazing boy, full of darkness and sparkle, who is now one of my best spirit friends in the 'verse and I hope will be for a long, long time. Soren of the Greil Mercenaries.

A lifetime being labelled as 'boring, grumpy introvert, who couldn't have fun if the world was a party, and has no sense of humour' by the placental mammals* can be pretty annoying, when you know that you're not like that, inside. Sure, you're cynical, but in this world that comes with having a brain, dear. And what, never heard of black humour? Apparently not. And who says that just 'cause you aren't a naive little kid-type, you can't get joy out of simple things? I'll have you know I can draw with chalk on pavements, blow bubbles and play hopscotch with the best of them! Only, when people see you do that, it's point-and-laugh time. So...you hide. But playing's not so much fun when you're on your own.

Soren and I have had fun together. We've sung along to The Killers, tag-team-taunted Shinon, and tag-team-snarked annoying placental mammals(even if they couldn't hear us, it was enjoyable anyway). We've jumped on my bed and chanted 'Five Little Monkeys' till we really did fall off, danced the Witchy Dance to the Fire Emblem theme and to 'Keep The Faith', terrified Stefan, thrown popcorn at Naesala, collaborated on complex and insane ninja plots, and just hung out together, each reading our own books or listening to music or whatever, comfortable in each other's company. He's been a true boon companion.

That would be a lot, on its own. But being friends with Soren's been good for me in another way too. It's forced me to seriously think about the ramifications of privilege, and to be more conscious of my own(and thus better at checking it). It's also made me think about the label of 'victim', and how harmful and limiting that label can be-whether it's other people labelling you, or you labelling yourself. It's helped me have the courage to look at the world without painting my glasses rose-pink, and not flinch. It's made me a wiser person.

Much love to ya...Lady Senerio.(No, I am never going to stop calling you that. Ever. :P)

Final Fantasy IX. This was the game that really got me into gaming. I picked it up on a whim in a little game store in my hometown that's closed now...and my life was changed forever.

I'm trying to put words around the idea, but...it's too much, too hard. I've been trying to put words round the idea, really, since I started writing fanfiction for it, and I know I've not managed to capture a hundredth part of what I saw and felt.

I'll just say that Zidane has been an inspiration to me. Trying to shine like a jewel is hard work, but it's worth it, I think.

Final Fantasy XII. This one was all about the scenery for me, really-the scale of it. The expanse of the Westersand or Tchita Uplands, the gloom and glory of the Sochen Cave Palace or the Stilshrine of Miriam.

On top of that, Fran is awesome. The runaway who made good. Or at least made fun bad! Her aching family situation struck a chord with me. It still hurts-I could see in her face, in Eruyt, when she first entered and talked to Jote-she looked like a little kid, hurt and confused, and that made my heart clench, because she was strong, she was capable and clever, she was respected and looked up to and yet here in front of the family who'd disowned her she was once more a sad little kid.

She's a sky pirate, but she's still a little girl, who misses her sisters and her home.

And she's that little girl, but she's also a sky pirate, who can fix an airship and fly a hoverbike and snatch a treasure out from under the noses of who-knows-how-many nobles and Imperials. Who travels the world, wild and free, and-I think-happy. On the whole.

Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess. What is it with me and individual, amazing characters?

This time, it was Midna. Because, really, Midna is awesome. And that is all.

Legend of Zelda: Majora's Mask. This one stays with me for its utter creepiness. Moon with a face that SCOWLS...and the masks, oh god the masks...poor Mikau...

I never actually finished this(got stuck somewhere after the sea temple)but I may never be able to get it out of my head.

However much I try.

Fire Emblem. Because of all the amazing people in Steel Bird Pack. Because of peerless warrior Lyndis and daft dear Hector and gentle, brave Eliwood, and all their legion, their horde, their elite. And, mostly, because of Legault. Because Legault is one in a million.

Thank goodness.

Final Fantasy VII. Because of the utterly confusing story, because of Aeris and how she was the one who came up with the utterly flawless idea of crossdressing Cloud, and because I met Caity there.

Final Fantasy VIII. Because of the Garden. I've spent more time as a student than anything else, and I feel I know my way around schools-for better or for worse-so writing fic for it is natural in ways that it isn't for other games. Also, because of the discussion that me and Athene got into about what videogames the cast play.(I gave her a new reason to hate Rinoa. As if she needed any more. :) )

Pokemon Blue Version. Because it was the first RPG that ever I played. Ever. So it was kind of like my introduction to the mechanics of RPGing. And the first computer game I was really into. And because I had a Ninetales. Fire breathing kitsune!

Final Fantasy. Because of Amano's gorgeous, eerie, evocative art. The 'Strange Land' picture will be with me till I die. I want a print of it.

Final Fantasy XII: Revenant Wings. Because due to some very nasty meds that I am thankfully no longer on, I've some idea what it's like to lose your anima. So I can really sympathise with the aegyl. Also, because of the Cu Sith, and because of that one Cu Sith that was friends with Tomaj. I don't know why.

Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney. Because this was so much darker and more twisted than the other Phoenix Wright games, because of hobo-Phoenix with his mild manner hiding a steel heart, and because it will always be my headcanon that Thalassa Gramarye was a BITCH.

Phoenix Wright: Justice For All. Because of Franziska. 'Nuff said. Because I've said it already.

Kingdom Hearts II. Because of how beautiful and awful the World That Never Was is, and because of the unfairness that made me fume. Also, because Xigbar has a surfer-dude accent and a ponytail and hangs upside-down in mid-air, and there is no possible way that that is not win.

EDIT: And a fifteenth! Can't believe I didn't remember this before, but, Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood. Because of my Echidna. And also because of the Timmy joke. ^_^

*Eagle's current code for Boring People, particularly People Who Like Boxes. A further explanation may or may not be forthcoming; watch this space.

On Saturday's two interesting purchases

So on Saturday I got two very nice things from the Game in Huntingdon.

Number one; a Knuckles plushie. Who is exactly the right size and shape to snuggle, which is very nice indeed. Squalldoll is very comforting, but he's too small to snuggle. Also, I have found that Knuxplushie makes a rather good partner in crime, because while a teenager wandering about looking cocky or furtive will excite suspicion in hospital staff, a teenager looking sleepy and snuggling up to a stuffed animal looks Innocent and Harmless.

Number two; Pokemon Platinum. Before buying it I got the guide and made a detailed plan of exactly which beasties I'd have on my team. When I did buy it, those plans...well, they didn't quite go out of the window, but, close. Playing this way is more interesting though, so I can't complain! My Rotom is so win. Hell, I love the very concept of Rotom. Ghost in the machine! I've called it Deus Ex. And I've got this Psyduck which I'm also getting weirdly attached to-I meant her just to be a placeholder till I could grab a Vaporeon, but I don't know...

I'm still determined to have a Lucario on the team, though. That plan is staying.

And because Lucario is blue and has what looks like a headband, I shall call it Ike.

He shall be mine, and he shall be my Ike.

...Really, I shouldn't be allowed near this kind of thing. ^_^;

Because of a phone conversation yesterday

So from now on the anti-Micaiah campaign will wear cowboy hats!

*Puts on a blue one*

Playing Path of Radiance again. And loving it!

So I smuggled my Gamecube into the hospital. I'm glad I did. Tellius is better than any happy pill by far!

(But Rioh, stop cheering for the Daeins when they're targeting Ranulf! It's really offputting. And if you keep it up I'll have to tell Ike why, and you don't want that, do you? :P)

Addendum: It's funny, the things names can mean. Isaac; 'he laughs'. I was laughing all right yesterday, doing my clumsy mage-dance round the courtyard, first to the Fire Emblem theme, then to Bon Jovi. I laughed, then. I laughed.

I've just realised that little correspondence, and it makes me smile inside.

Fire Emblem memories

I played Path of Radiance(a name which makes me think of the moon or the sun rising over the ocean, the silver or golden light on the water making a road to heaven)first while I was at Condover. That was really the reason why I acquired a Gamecube in the first place.

I didn't have my own TV, then. So, instead, I used the one in the common room, which was common in name only. It was meant for students to socialise in, but it was a cold, unwelcoming room, in the basement of the main hall, with nothing really to recommend it-my fellow students preferred to socialise in the warm living rooms of the flats.

Thus, I had the room to myself, at lunch-time and after classes for a few hours each day.

White-painted stone walls, an old, boxy television set, and an ugly, uncomfortable plastic-covered armchair. Nobody ever interrupted me.

Me and the story. Me and the spirits.

It was our kingdom-mine and Soren's-tactician brother monarchs. He beat back the ghost, glared it into leaving us alone as we played; I brought down chocolate and gingerbread and tea, which we shared. We talked, and we listened, and we argued-he had a terribly annoying habit of saying 'Don't do that!' one millisecond after I had made my mistake and pressed the button to confirm it. I suspected he was doing it on purpose.

It was slow progress, since I never had long to spend down there at any one time. When the holidays came, it was only Chapter Nine. Chapter Nine: Gallia. I can't remember any other chapter titles. Just that one.

After the holidays, the common room that nobody used was closed down. A common room that people did use was opened in one of the empty flats, and I used it myself for only a small amount of time before managing to scrape together the money for a TV of my own, in my bedroom.(Expensive but necessary. Certain boys had decided to pester me while I played; I needed privacy, and in the common room I just couldn't get it. There was no joy in playing like that, no freedom to talk.)

It was a very short-lived kingdom, that cold little basement room.

Still, it is one of my strong memories. Chapter Nine was not the most exciting or difficult or easiest or most interesting of chapters, but it will always be dearest, I think, to me.

I'll remember it forever, I think; Gallian sunshine spilling into a cold English room, a beach where Rolf wanted to make sandcastles and Mist earnestly explained through a closed door to a person who wasn't listening that it was bears you played dead to avoid, not beorc; where Lethe shouted Idiot human tacticians! at us as she and Mordecai made mad dashes hither and yon and always ended up in exactly the wrong place, as I tried hopelessly to get the hang of issuing commands, and as Soren smiled his small, wicked smile and commented drily that surely I knew the saying about trying to herd cats?

And I laughed, and laughed, hunched over the controller, and Lethe made a rude noise through her nose at me and said something fittingly catty(pun intended)about how glad she was that somebody was finding this amusing. And I had had half of a Twirl bar, and there was the taste of chocolate in my mouth.

I'm not sure why I post this now. Maybe just because recently I've been thinking about Tellius again, and because this memory is so clear and bright that it deserved to be written down. Just because.

My first post from the hospital

I have a new DS. It's an old clunky preowned thing, pink of all colours(they had nothing else), and the touch screen seems to have seen better days, but it was cheap and it works. I think it was Rinoa's before mine, though I've no idea how it got here. I can just see her now, sitting on the floor resting the little handheld against her knees, tapping away at the touch screen, playing Pokemon Diamond.

Revenant Wings. I am enjoying it-the aegyl are strange folk, perhaps the strangest mortal people I've yet met, and trying to figure them out is interesting if worrying. They are what the viera pretend to be-different and apart and aloof. Not from thinking themselves better than humes so much, but simply from not being interested in them much. Viera remind me of Nobodies inasmuch as they insist, loudly and often, that they are different, but their actions give the lie to it. And while there are runaway viera in droves, whoever heard of a runaway aegyl? The Yarhi, too, are strange. I like the odd little family Shiva has-a paramour that looks a little like Squall and a little like Howl, and a son(I think)with a scowly little face, and I was tickled to find that there are Cu Sith-about time there were cooshee to balance out the equation.

(Once long ago I saw it spelled like that, cooshee, but I don't recall where or when. No matter.)

The aegyl live for such a short time; part of me can't help but be horrified by that, though I know they're used to it and it seems perfectly all right to them, but part of my hindbrain can't help but see death at forty as monstrously unfair, as a kind of species-wide terminal genetic disease, as being cut down in ones' prime.

The more sensible and sarcastic portions of me wonder whether this is what Fran feels like all the time.

Vaan is Vaan, as ever-little quick-foot, sandhair moppet, and Pen is Pen, Penny-low, Penny-lane, and I'm reminded of the Wendy comment Athene once made because in some ways I'm reminded of Peter Pan in Scarlet...

Their banner is white, with crossed galbana lilies. It is the perfect name for the ship, the silver-wasp-angel-dragon who I am sure thinks and feels as much as any of her crew.

Another lesson in never, ever, ever underestimating Guardians in red

As if getting one life's lesson out of him wasn't enough, another followed on its heels!

...I'll give a little background. For those that don't know him...There's this thing, okay, this relic. A Power item, strong Power. Legendary level. The Master Emerald. And he Guards it. With his life. It's that important, honestly. Important for his world and important to him.

Well...awhile ago I was seething at dinner 'cause Ian was making out like I was stupid. Retarded. It's his favourite insult. We were arguing, and I was furious angry...I wanted so bad to win. Just once, I'd like to! To make him stop saying that stuff about me!

I stayed angry for ages after that. I mean...it's different when some person in town just hurls an insult at you, and you can walk off. When it's your brother making snide snooty comments whenever you see him, and you can't walk away 'cause you're in the same house, and he goes on, and on, and your mother won't shut him up, can't shut him up...so you just have to listen, and you feel so miserable...

Then, in the bath-why is it always in the bath?-I calmed down enough to get partly into ambit again.

And he talked to me.

I can't remember the exact words, but it was something like this.

"Don't you see? You have won.

Look, I guard the Master Emerald. That's why I fight. It doesn't matter how bruised or bloody I am at the end of a fight. It doesn't matter if the other guy is laughing his head off at me. It doesn't matter if I've made myself look like a total idiot, as long as the Master Emerald is safe.

There's always something worth guarding, and you are guarding something. You fight like someone on the defensive. What's your Master Emerald? If it's your sanity, you've won. If it's your ability to talk to spirits, you've won. If it's your creativity, you've won. If it's your life, you've won. None of those are things he can harm or steal. He's lost every battle before he even begins. Nothing he does can make the slightest mark on the Master Emerald.

If your Master Emerald is your pride, it was a false jewel, and needed to be shattered anyway. But I think you're better than that.

I'll tell you what really could destroy your Master Emerald. Your OCD, if you don't get it under control. But you're spending all your energy fighting battles that don't really matter, instead...and trust me, you aren't the first to make that mistake, I know what thereof I speak. Remember how I was tricked into fighting Sonic and Tails, while Robotnik stole up behind me. That's what you're doing now. Fighting things that are really harmless, while the true threat makes a grab for the Emerald."

Of course, all of it is damn true. He's as sharp as his spikes, sometimes.

And knowing it helps. I still get angry and sad, but now I know I can hold on tight, clench my fists, and tell myself 'The Master Emerald is safe'. That helps me get through. It lets me refuse to argue without feeling that I'm losing the fight. It lets me ignore what Ian says. Or my mother. Or her boyfriend.

It helps a lot.

...Thanks, Knux.

Echidna

So Athene directed me to this post; http://takingsteps.blogspot.com/2007/01/seam-of-skin-and-scales.html

Which is something that I’ve read before, but never really understood.

Till now anyway.

It started with-well, you’ll laugh-it started with a game I picked up on a whim and a memory of a glowing review in ONM magazine because I was a bit hungry for the mechanics of turn-based RPG, because I wanted a new challenge, Something to Do.

Sonic Chronicles: The Dark Brotherhood.

Never had anything to do with blue hedgehogs and the like before that. And certainly didn’t expect to find a, a character. That’s the only word for it. One of the side characters. Got totally hit from left field. Thwacked between the eyes by a blast of strong personality from this side character, this cartoon red echidna with spikes on his fists.

I was linking before I even knew it, and I didn’t expect that.

So I’m linking, and I’m confused, and I’m turning it over in my head, asking him…why? What’s a person like you doing in a game like this? You’re better than this. You deserve better than a near-sexless ageless anthropomorphic cartoon grotesquerie of a body and a silly frivolous game for a world. Wouldn’t you want a different body? Human and real. Strong and handsome and sexual. Don’t you want a story more serious, a world and a name and a history that better fits your mind?

Don’t you want that?

And I’m linked enough to hear his reply, and he says ‘No.’

Very firmly. And I’m more confused than ever so he elucidates. ‘This is my body, and this is my world. This is my story, mine to me. Do I puzzle you? I’m not under any obligation to change because you think the parts of me don’t match up. I’m happy how I am.’

But people see you as a joke!

‘A joke, a cartoon, let them laugh! Do you think I care? And can you really not see the attraction? Wouldn’t you like to throw the seriousness of humanity to the winds for awhile? I think you’re a tiny bit jealous.’

And he withdrew from the link, leaving me with a lot to think about.

In my head all that day I put two and two together, and I ended up with five-and-a-bit. I’ve come up with some ideas. I think I understand that post now.

After all, Echidna was a monster too.

I am Echidna and I revel in my grotesquerie. It’s about dichotomy; it’s about contradictions; human, animal, real and illustrated, skin and fur, a mammal that lays eggs. It’s about not fitting in any box, because any box would be too small. Don’t you dare cage me; I drip poison, I have spines. Touch me and you’ll hurt.

I am Echidna, and I have my weapons; I have bone spikes on my fists. I use them to carve myself out elbow room. I use them to climb up out of all the boxes. I can fight, and I will fight, to protect my own existence. It’s self defence. I’m not about to let anyone cut off my tail, mutilate me so that I can be better defined. I am defined by me and by God; anyone else can get the fuck away!

I am Echidna, and do I look ridiculous to you? A comic muddle of roles, genders, ages, species-I hear your uneasy laughter. I don’t care if you think I look funny. I have my own brand of dignity. I am King of the cloud islands, and in my kingdom I shall do as I damn well please.

I am Echidna, and yes, I can do sexy. Twilight-purple bedroom eyes, and does it come as a surprise that I can dance like I’ve got emeralds at the meeting of my thighs? And I can do sexless. Naked and unashamed, can you Adam and Eve it? Because love is sweet, and sex is good, but there’s more to life than kissing. I can put sexuality on the shelf; it does not become another trap to define me.

I am Echidna, and this is not feminism because it is not about being female it is not about being male it is about being it is about being whatever I can be it is about being myself having room to stretch myself out to be childish and parentlike and wise and gullible and suspicious and scared and scary and animal and spirit and modern and ancient and very near and oh so far and gregarious and a loner and reserved and loudmouthed and stone and water and fire and ice and male and female and both and neither. I do not have to pick just one.

I am Echidna, monstrous Echidna, and I never have to pick just one.

Half-term holidays

Eating doughnuts a lot. And drinking milk. Don't know why.

Worrying about gender identity. There, I said it.

DS, Final Fantasy Tactics A2, and Sonic: The Dark Brotherhood.

Artemis Fowl marathon. Invented a nickname for him, which is probably not a good sign. I want to draw him and Holly; pity I can't draw.

Waiting for the doctor to get in touch about my OCD referral.

Trying to control my temper around my bastard brother. Mostly succeeding.

Sporadic contact with Athene and Ash.

Life as we know it, I guess.